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And today I had the privilege of being reminded again (by a fellow birthmom hoping for reunion) that the point of all of this ... of sharing our journey, our relationship, our story is not to showcase this impossible thing but to show others what’s possible because when I was looking for hope before reunion, I only found stories of anger, and regret. Those experiences are real and the feelings are valid... but so is this ❤️‍🩹 Both @abigailembraced and I are incredibly aware of how fortunate we are and it fuels the fire for us as we work to show what’s possible and start creating resources to help others navigate their own stories of open adoption and reunion! We’re working on a thing or two already but if there are any specific questions, resources or workshops you’d like to see answered or created from our lived experience with semi-open to open adoption, don’t be shy! We don’t talk just to hear myself talk, we want to help!

I don’t think ghost kingdoms are exclusive to adoptees because I’ve built my own stories about what life might have been like had I been able to parent. I think it’s something we both wonder from time to time but the reality is we’ll never know. Instead of living in constant wonder or regret, we like to compare all the similarities we have today and thought it’d be fun to show you a day in the life from our different perspectives, birth mom and adoptee, both working from home but in different seasons of life and with 15 years between us. Are our days as busy or as glamorous as you thought? Clearly not every day looks like this but some days do and we both agreed that documenting our day kept us both on track and infinitely more productive … so maybe we should do this more often 😅

heal … not because it guarantees a happy reunion or a deep relationship but because it’s the foundation for building a better life for yourself and a healthier environment for your child if they choose to be a part of it. When I started working on myself I was still under the impression that my only chance at reunion was if my daughter came looking for me after she turned 18 … and I wanted to be someone worth knowing if she did. I’m painfully aware of how fortunate I am that her parents reached out when she started asking at only nine years old … I know how many birthmoms would love an opportunity like that and how many more are still waiting for their own version of redemption or restoration. For us (birthmothers) we’ve already lived one of the worst days of our lives … worst case scenario, we heal and never get an opportunity to have the relationship we hoped for but we’re still better off than have we sat in our grief and never moved through it. If you’d like some encouragement for the journey from someone who’s lived it, I published a collection of poetry & prose on trauma and resilience … just say the word and I’ll make sure you get a 🔗

While open adoption is being discussed more openly now, I feel like we still don’t hear much about how it grows past childhood. Here’s a peek into ours. Just a reminder that it doesn’t need an expiration date marked for when our kid turns 18 … in fact, I’d suggest you continue to nurture it so that all the future life events feel more comfortable because there is still a lot of life ahead and birthmoms (birth family) and adoptive family getting along is always in the best interest of the adoptee 💖

The plot of Freaky Friday is that a mother and daughter swap bodies to gain empathy and respect for what each other go through … clearly we can’t do that but we’ve decided to share our own twist on this classic every Friday by swapping stories and perspectives to highlight how we can live the same 24 hours ... but differently | adoptee and birthmom edition This week we compared/contrasted what we were doing at different ages … as you can imagine, our circumstances played a role in shaping our stories. It’s kind of wild to see the side by sides 🥲❤️‍🩹

While I understand what a privilege it is to drop 2k on a VRBO + gas money to visit for a long weekend, I also understand the sacrifice it took to get here … fourteen years post reunion and we’re still paying off a credit card that was once used to ensure we never missed a yearly visit, prom, or graduation. For fourteen years my husband has used nearly every hour of vacation time to prioritize our yearly visits as well as the bigger milestones, like attending her wedding earlier this year! But please don’t mistake my honesty for ingratitude … this is just a lesser talked about reality of open adoption and reunion. Our opportunity to build a relationship has been worth every single penny but maybe we need to start brainstorming how to prioritize this without creating another hardship for birthmoms to overcome ❤️‍🩹 The “bold and opinionated” now 23 year old: @abigailembraced And for those interested in supporting the nonprofit, it’s @the.ampersand.initiative

I know many of these feelings aren’t only felt by birthmothers, I’ve also spoken to adoptees who have expressed similar fears but for this post, I wanted to try to share a glimpse inside my own mind as I’ve processed and navigated adoption since I was just fourteen years old. The reality is, even though I had a good relationship with my daughter’s parents and they never once threatened access or opportunity post reunion, I still held my breath until she turned 18, fearful that if I ever said the wrong thing, it would all end. And now, 23 years post placement, 14 years into reunion, talking daily and I still sometimes have to convince myself that some of these fears had an expiration date, some are irrational, and the ones that are left aren’t worth worrying about ❤️‍🩹

I’d like to think if resilience was a degree I’d have all the fancy letters after my name … not because I’ve mastered it but because I never stop trying. Life changes, things you thought would never ever may ever like they’ve nevered before 𝐛𝐮𝐭 that’s the beauty of neural plasticity (𝘐 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘦𝘦𝘬 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘴𝘺𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘺) we are able to thrive, despite hardship, grief or trauma. But it won’t just happen, we have to put in the work. I know y’all think it’s vulnerable when I share my experiences as a birthmom or all the ways I’ve experienced kinship care but those aren’t the things that make my skin crawl … I actually LOVE using the things I’ve worked though or overcome to help others feel seen or healed or helped … but to share something I’m actively struggling with actually feels super vulnerable 🫠 If you want to join the mail club, just comment HAPPY MAIL 💌

This is more than I ever thought to hope for. But now that I know it’s possible, I have some new hopes and dreams: 1. show the humanity of a birthmom (𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧) to help destigmatize the labels we’ve carried for so long 2. encourage adoptive parents to do the necessary work to build a healthy relationship with both their child and their child’s birthmom/birth family 3. equip birthmoms to heal so they can show up for and help cultivate a healthy relationship with their child Working on more tangible resources but for now, these reels will have to do the heavy lifting … I think sometimes just starting the conversation is the hardest part.

Sometimes I wish I had a someone 10 steps ahead holding a light and showing me the way … but since I didn’t, I grabbed the matches, my daughter @abigailembraced has the candles (were whimsical like that) and we’re doing our best to help show others that healthy open adoption is possible and it does exist. Like any good relationship, it takes intention and work but it’s absolutely been worth it ❤️‍🩹

I know, open adoption and adoption reunion can be such an overwhelming and scary concept … which is why my firstborn @abigailembraced are so passionate about sharing our story. Abigail’s (adoptive) parents reached out to initiate a visit when she was 9 and we’ve been incredibly intentional in our efforts to support her and cultivate a healthy relationship ever since. In doing that, it didn’t just give her access to me, her (biological/birth) mom … it gave her access to her siblings too. It’s allowed us to share so many special moments and milestones that 15 year old me never imagined was possible. I use to say that I educate and advocate through my lens of lived experience as someone who grew up in kinship care, became a birthmom (in reunion) and kinship adoptive mom BUT I’m realizing that more specifically, I want to show you how to cultivate a healthy relationship with your kids, whether you’re a birthmom or adoptive mom. At the end of the day, that’s what we all want, kids who want to be around us and I can help with that!

Being a birthmom is hard. Being a birthmom with a public platform is harder. Being inside my head is the hardest. As great as my post reunion relationship is with my firstborn, it doesn’t negate the grief or erase the hard … in fact, building a relationship post adoption creates its own unique and challenging levels of hard that we’ve had to learn to navigate as they arise. And sometimes I just have to sit with big feelings, acknowledge their validity, and wait for them to pass ❤️‍🩹 This is as raw and real as it gets …

And I get on here and yap about it because as common as it is, most people won’t touch it with a ten foot pole because unlike traditional (non relative) foster care, kinship care is super intertwined with our families which means all the family chaos, trauma, and drama makes it extra complicated … so we keep it to ourselves and navigate it alone. Been there, done that and I’m not gonna let you do it too. Pa called Granny the mouth of the south so I learned from the best but we need folks with lived experience, learned wisdom and big mouths to help walk us through the things no one else can. I’m currently in the middle of updating a workshop for kinship caregivers and have written a couple kids books that talk about it too but if you have any other ideas or requests for resources, let me know and if you’re literally just desperate for a relatable voice, I’m glad you’re here 💖

I’ve been here long enough to have a few impassioned unfollows and some really encouraging messages that remind me why I keep showing up too. At the end of the day, I’m here because I have some crazy unique experiences, a big mouth, and enough audacity to believe I might actually make a difference. Not to fish … but I’d love to hear why you stay too?

Clearly this concept isn’t unique to an adoptive parent + adoptee relationship but it is a common pain point within this space. I think most parents are truly trying their best but we also have to be willing to acknowledge we won’t get everything right because we’re human and humans are imperfect creatures. Self reflection, apologies, and changed behavior can go a long way in repairing the tears we sometimes make. ❤️‍🩹 And if you’re looking for an adult adoptee voice that teaches with grace (but doesn’t sacrifice honesty for comfort) my firstborn @abigailembraced is a great place to start. 💞

It sounds dramatic until you realize that being raised in kinship care made it statistically more likely that my kids would also end up in foster or kinship care … or that my own abandonment and neglect contributed to my teen pregnancy, the lack of support to parent my firstborn, and the irrevocable grief of having to place her for adoption. It sounds dramatic when we’ve been conditioned to believe that stories like this are shared for pity or attention … and perhaps sometimes they are but please let this serve as a reminder that unhealed and absent parents impact generations they’ll never meet … but healthy, healing, present ones do too ❤️‍🩹

Just some raw perspective from my journey as a birthmother. I think it’s sometimes easier to assume we’re calloused or indifferent but I’ve yet to meet a birthmother who didn’t grieve the loss of her child in some capacity … even if it didn’t look like how you think grief should look. Mine was hidden, bleeding onto pages and soaking my pillow at night.

August will be my second month of curating a tangible way to slow down together. 𝐇𝐞𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞, 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 is my monthly mail club and it will always arrive full of intention. Community has been a topic heavy on my mind recently so I’m eager to share my thoughts, in letter form, along with my stickers + original, handmade art, and a few extras. 𝐇𝐞𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞, 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 isn’t adoption, foster, or kinship focused but instead has an overarching theme of building resilience which is applicable to everyone within this community but those outside of it as well! If you want to receive August’s mail, the sign up cut off is the last day of July! Comment 𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐢𝐥 if you need the link!

I’m not here to defend who I am as a person because I know my heart but I am here to show the humanity of a birthmom. Call it vulnerable or authentic or attention seeking … you can call it what ever you want just know I’m going to keep yapping. If you’re seeing this (or me) for the first time, Hey there, sunshine, I’m Raquel … I educate within the adoption, foster and kinship care communities from my lifetime of life’s experience. I built a retreat for birthmoms focused on holistic healing + building resilience before co-founding @the.ampersand.initiative (a nonprofit) alongside my birthmom bestie @leahoutten … I’ve published several adoption, foster, and kinship focused children’s books as well as a poetry and prose collection on trauma and resilience. I’ve spoken on stages, led workshops at conferences and am in the process of launching a new workshop alongside my firstborn @abigailembraced and her (adoptive) mom! All that to say … I have a lot to give so I hope you’ll stay a while!

To be clear, healing doesn’t promise reunion, repair or redemption … I spent the first nine years unsure if I’d ever have the opportunity to know my firstborn BUT I continued growing and healing because if she came looking, I wanted to be someone worth knowing. I have no doubt that our relationship could not be what it is if I hadn’t put in the work. And yeah, it would be heartbreaking if I never had the opportunity to connect with my daughter @abigailembraced post placement BUT reunion or not, healing will NEVER be the wrong choice ❤️‍🩹

My second-born is a senior this year, my firstborn drove in to take her senior photos and I’m behind the screen with a goofy grin plastered across my face because never in a million years or a thousand scenarios did I imagine that this would be my life 🥲💖 Love you forever, like you for always @cordiallytaylan & @abigailembraced | @abigailpaigephoto

This idea started on a phone call when I said something off the wall that was just a “normal” childhood memory for me and my firstborn, Abigail, silent for a brief second, followed up with, “well, when I was 12 my (adoptive) dad paid me to read.” We both lost it, laughing hysterically. When we came up for air, Abigail suggested we do the “trauma salad” trend next time we were together but after ingesting my fair share of questionable things in my youth, I’m an almond mom and refused to buy the candy so we made a trauma sandwich. Enjoy 😅 I’ve seen a lot of versions of this so far but I’ve yet to see this one: an adoptee and birthmom … and while it’s funny (I’m okay so please laugh with me) it’s arguably great insight into why adoption was in her best interest when I was 14. Perspective 🙃

What do you mean our youngest is starting high school this year?! We’re still homeschooling but I turned our lesson plans in today and it hit me … our youngest is passing milestones that nearly broke me and it felt cathartic, in a way, to know that she will have the opportunity to do more than just survive her high school years and will walk into adulthood with the kind of love and support that all kids deserve. Tomorrow I’ll turn in the lesson plan for my soon to be senior and I’m sure I’ll have plenty of feelings about that too. It’s been a wild journey, y’all but I’m so grateful to be here to see how far I’ve come 🥲❤️‍🩹

I’m 95% positive Martha is a rage bait account (or at least using that tactic as a growth strategy) so PLEASE do not go to her page and boost her engagement … that said, plenty of folks do still pursue adoption with this jealousy and fear based mindset so I decided to use this as an opportunity to highlight the cost of showing up publicly as a birthmom and why so many choose not to. Martha isn’t my first hater and she won’t be my last but that’s okay, I’ve got broad shoulders and a big mouth 😏 And for those who need the reminder, kindness and empathy are absolutely free and the world could use more of it. ✌🏼❤️ P.s. sorry for the mic feedback, I’m still new to yap videos … what do you think though? Should I post more long content?

I wasn’t provided post placement resources, not from the huge Christian adoption agency I placed through or my kinship “caregivers” … so I spent the next 15 years feeling isolated and ashamed until I finally met another birthmom! Community and relatability is such a powerful thing. It’s what fuels the fire in me these days anytime I consider walking away … Resources are still sparse but here’s a few I know of: (𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘥 & 𝘵𝘢𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘐 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥) • @the.ampersand.initiative • @joinbravelove • @leahoutten • @thetabledfw • How Does Adoption Impact Siblings (𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘶𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘮𝘰𝘮) • Flourishing Hope (𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘮𝘰𝘮 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭) • The Sixteenth Year (𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘮𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘳) • The Waiting (𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘮𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘳)

14 year old me never saw this coming when she was being told to make an adoption plan but after 14 years in reunion my firstborn and I can confidently say we’ve learned a thing or two about building a relationship. Now we’re working on co-creating some resources that we hope will help other adoptees, birthmoms, and adoptive families too. If you’re new, hi! Super glad you’re here! @abigailembraced (my firstborn) and I (@mccloudlife) educate and advocate from lived experience (and continued education) so feel free to stay a while because we have plenty to say.

I know this post is way past due but in my defense, it’s been a nonstop, exhausting year and truth be told, I was struggling to figure out how to put the experience into words … I’m still not sure that I can fully articulate the depth of it, I think it’s something that just has to be felt. On a more literal level, too much happened to share in a singular post and even more that’s genuinely for the people there, not public consumption. I feel like I’m rambling but again, it’s been a lot to process and my life hasn’t exactly given me breathing room to sit with it. Hopefully you get the gist and if you do and want to support any future endeavors, comment RESILIENT and I’ll make sure you get the link to help sponsor a future retreat! 💞

I used to say “you’re welcome” when someone would thank me for making an adoption plan … because what else do you say to that but the truth is, it was never a choice. For better or worse, it’s my truth … if given the option, I would have parented. All things considered, I feel like I’m living the best case scenario of the circumstances I was given and beyond grateful for the relationship I’ve been able to build with my firstborn @abigailembraced ... I’m grateful we can have these incredibly open conversations, and that she is using her own voice to advocate within this community too. What a wild journey 🥲❤️‍🩹

Some people are so excited that this is our relationship, others are angry that she chose to know me and even offended on behalf of her (adoptive) mom because for some reason a child wanting to know their (birth) mom is a wild concept steeped in betrayal … I’m just grateful to be here, living in my answered prayers. If you’re connected to adoption in any way, shape or form … or just curious to learn more about it, you’re in the right place. I use my lived experience as a child raised in kinship care, birthmom, kinship adoptive mom and continued education to educate others within the adoption, foster, and kinship community though storytelling and snippets of real life 🫶🏼 If you’d like to learn from an adult adoptees perspective, my daughter shares her experience here: @abigailembraced And while her (adoptive) mom isn’t on social media, there will be opportunities to learn from all three of us together in the near future! Can hardly believe that this is my life 🥲💞

Siblings tend to be an overlooked causality in most adoption conversations but these relationships are valuable, they matter, and we should be talking about it. If you’re questioning how to include siblings in reunion or how to encourage connection, here are a few suggestions: 💞 Let them send letters or art projects in the mail 💞 Plan visits that encourage play and creativity 💞 Send gifts (or even get together) for birthdays 💞 If distance limits visits, consider FaceTime dates 💞 Prioritize giving siblings independent space to bond 💞 Talk about them, even when they aren’t around 💞 Hang their photo on the wall and their art on the fridge If you have any other suggestions, drop them below!

Remember last year when I excitedly shared that we finally got a reliable vehicle (𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘤𝘢𝘳) then a few months later shared its crumpled remains in stories before I disappeared for months because I sustained a concussion in the crash that amplified my chronic migraines … so, anyways, here’s a tiny update + a few unfiltered thoughts. As uncomfortable as hardship can be it’s also what feels familiar which makes it easier to share. Good news, potential, and opportunities feel way more vulnerable 😅 But maybe, just maybe, it can be another reminder that this life is wildly unpredictable and totally worth showing up for. 🫶🏼 I’m not sure I ever truly believed I’d be sitting in my dream car and I for sure never imagined I’d be sitting on a mountain beside my firstborn, 23 year post placement, taking photos together with our twinning 4Runners.

My firstborn made me a 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘩mom but my second born made me a mama … and somehow that was seventeen years ago. Cliche as it may be, time is a thief but I feel so fortunate to say I’ve been here to bear witness to and savor every moment of it. So many parents talk about “just 18 summers” but I don’t think the goal was supposed to be to fit it all into eighteen years … I think the goal was to build the kind of relationship that makes them want to show up on a random Tuesday for dinner, stay in the family group chat, and not dread the holidays together. Hopefully I’ve done that because Taylan is such an incredible person. She’s kind, thoughtful, empathetic, artistic, intelligent, creative, and authentic … truly beautiful both inside and out. What a blessing to be her mama.

Can we pretend it’s 2015 and you guys are excited to see your internet friend’s (me) photo recap of the month because honestly, sometimes I just want to share life and not make niche, educational content 🥲 cool? Cool! To be clear, this IS a highlight reel. June was INSANELY busy … much like the five months before it but it was packed full and overflowing with excitement and joy. I need to remember that, especially on the days that are hard. There is good, even in the midst of challenging seasons. It’s woven in between moments of chaos and exhaustion but it’s there and vibrant and important for us to recall often, least the heavier moments threaten to overshadow our joy ✨

Kinship adoption is wild because we have a wide open window into half of our youngest daughter’s biology considering I share that same DNA (biological half sisters) … it’s offered a lot of insight and opened up some pretty interesting conversations on nature vs nurture, to say the least. Fourteen years ago, we walked into this arrangement hoping to offer support and facilitate reunification but we kept walking and prioritized permanency 4 years and 9 months later because kids deserve to belong in a way that doesn’t feel half committed or temporary … ask me how I know … I was also raised in kinship care. Anyway … cheers to fourteen years of watching our little firecracker grow up and into this incredible human. What a gift it’s been to be her mama.

Yes, I know our experience is not the norm … that’s partially why I share it. Not to stir up jealousy, anger, or sadness but to offer hope and a blueprint for a better way forward. Sincerely, a teen birthmom who fought to survive, ran away, healed, grew, and reunited with her firstborn, @abigailembraced nine years post placement. Sincerely, a former child of kinship care whose bio mom left when I was two and never came back. Sincerely, a kinship adoptive mom (to my biological half sister who has learned the hard way that you can only control your own healing and effort, and no matter what you do, it won’t always be reciprocated. Sincerely, an incredibly self aware human who knows it doesn’t always turn out like this ❤️‍🩹

Happy Father’s Day, William. I’m so proud of the man you’ve become and your willingness to continue to grow … that’s life, right? We are not the same two kids who fell in love twenty-one years ago but look at how far we’ve come, what we’ve built, the family we’re raising and relationships we’re nurturing. There’s no one else I’d rather face tomorrow with. Love you forever and always ❤️‍🔥

Happy birthday @abigailembraced 🍰 Twenty three years later and it still feels surreal that we’ve collected all these moments and memories together. What an honor to bear witness to your life and hold space as your birthmom 💞 love you forever, like you for always

Rage bait or not, they said what a lot of folks feel but don’t always say publicly … so let’s talk about it! A few ✨𝕙𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕝𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕤✨ ✨ Children have zero control of the circumstances they’re born into. ✨ Statistically speaking, it’s in the child’s best interest to have a healthy relationship with biological (birth) family when it’s possible. I am safe + made it possible = healthy ✨ It is our responsibility to manage and heal our insecurities instead of placing them on our children. I have more to say about this but will save it for another day!

We’ve been building a relationship since she was nine and this is still so incredibly surreal to me … what do you mean I not only have a relationship with my firstborn but I get to be at her wedding. And not just at her wedding but a part of it; standing with her bridesmaids for a first look, escorted down the aisle and sat beside her mom, watching her sisters (the two daughters I parent) stand beside her after spending the morning in the bridal suite together preparing for this moment. What do you mean I get to dance at her wedding?! I could write about this experience in 100 different ways and still not fully articulate how it feels. Grateful doesn’t feel strong enough but it’s the best I got for now.

A few candid thoughts on the juxtaposition of mourning and living

✨Allow me to share the humanity of a birthmother. ✨I love all my kids, including the daughter I placed for adoption when I was 15 years old. ✨I love nature but the ocean restores me in ways no other place can. ✨ I love spicy food and could eat Mexican food every day for the rest of my life. ✨I’m not 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 a dog or cat person. I’m an animal person. I’ll pick up or pet anything that won’t try to bite me … even then there’s a chance I’ll try 😏 ✨Art feels like therapy ✨I’ve worked hard to be a good mom (and birthmom) despite never having anyone to call mom myself … I’m not perfect but I’m figuring it out because they’re worth the effort. ✨I co-founded a nonprofit to provide resources and healing to other women like me (birthmoms)! It’s called @the.ampersand.initiative ✨I’ve published 5 children’s books that are adoption, foster and kinship focused and a poetry and prose book on trauma & resilience. ✨I like to make people laugh ✨A tattoo artist once called me a “collector” like I’m buying gallery art and honestly, I kind of love it. No, I don’t know how many I have at this point but I am a collector of the arts ✨I have so many goals and dreams and aspirations and just hope I have enough time to try them all. I could keep going but the point is, I’m a birthmom 𝐚𝐧𝐝 a normal person … well, normal is subjective but my name’s Raquel and I bet we probably even have a thing or two in common!

Granny’s funeral is tomorrow but I won’t be there for it. Folks seem to have strong opinions about funerals. I don’t much care for them, never have. I only went to Dad and Pa’s because Granny would have been mad if I didn’t … and I think she would guilt me into going to hers from heaven if God would allow it 😅 but I just can’t do it … I don’t want that to be the last memory I have of her so I’ll be here, at my kitchen window, just like she stood at hers, watching the squirrels and the birds ❤️‍🩹

How fortunate I was to be raised by two people who loved me beyond measure and never once made me feel like a burden. As a child, being raised by my grandparents (informal kinship care) I imagine I instinctively knew I wasn’t where I belonged … not in the traditional sense. Kids know that in an ideal world, they’d live with their parents. But the world is broken, some parents aren’t safe, healthy, or capable … some walk away and some battle addictions. Mine checked all those boxes so my grandparents stepped in. I think there’s an unspoken understanding for those of us who were raised by grandparents … we brace for this day, knowing we will lose the ones we look to sooner than *𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵* of our peers being raised by their parents. I’ve known it was coming for a while but still wasn’t ready to say goodbye 😭

To the woman that taught me to speak my mind, fear nothing, and chase my dreams … I’m doing it … just sad to be doing it without you to cheer me on, hype me up or argue that you love me more. Granny sacrificed a lot to raise me, though she would have never admitted that. I think I was in my early twenties when I apologized to her for stealing their ‘golden years’ but without hesitation she said, “You didn’t steal nothing from us, Raquel. You added to our lives. You were exactly what you’re Pa and I needed … you helped keep us young.” Things haven’t been the same for a long time. Dementia began robbing you of your quality of life. You started to fade. I tried asking you questions and recording your answers, desperate to hold onto some of the simple things I never wanted to forget. When I asked you how you made egg drop soup (something I loved as a child) you couldn’t remember. I got off the phone and cried. I’ve been gone for nearly a decade now … so much changes in ten years. I saw you a week ago. You were so excited to see me and Taylan … and excited all over again the next day. I told you I love you so much and you whispered “I love you more” … you remembered. Right now it hurts but I’m so grateful you aren’t suffering anymore and I know it’s a privilege to love someone so much that grief keeps you company in their absence. Just one last favor Granny, tell Pa and Dad I said hi and I love and miss them too 😭❤️‍🩹

It’s time for the annual retelling of how my husband proposed to me on a pirate ship that turned out to be a kiddie cruise 😅 I even dug up a few old photos (last slide) 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 To be fair, as a reminder, our prefrontal cortexes were years from being fully developed, we were just eighteen and nineteen years old when he bought a ring, an edible arrangement, and tickets to the pirate cruise. We were excited and eager and William thinks we’re late if we’re on time so we were the first ones there, the first ones in line, and the first ones on the bus, waiting to be transported to the loading dock. We started noticing a trend as others started arriving … they all had kids. Every 👏🏼 single 👏🏼 couple 👏🏼 had 👏🏼 kids 👏🏼 We were in too deep to back out … besides, it might have just been a coincidence for all we knew … is what we said before we boarded the ship and the pirate clad crew started performing for the kids 😂 At one point (after story time) the crew invited the kids up to pick a piece of treasure from the chest. I teased William to go get some pirate booty. He came back with a huge, fake diamond ring. I know this sounds made up, but I think it has something to do with that underdeveloped prefrontal cortex because two grown adults probably wouldn’t find themselves in this particular scenario, but I digress … when he presented the big fake diamond ring to me I jokingly said, “𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘐 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘰.” which was apparently his cue because he dropped to one knee, pulled out the ring he’d saved up for and responded with all the confidence a nineteen year old could muster, ”𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘦?” *dramatically swoons* The captain immediately noticed. “𝘞𝘦’𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘢𝘭 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱!” Can’t imagine why, Captain Red Eye Jack 😂 the boat erupted in applause, someone yelled dolphins and there was, in fact, dolphins jumping alongside the boat and my handsome fiancé was wearing his favorite airbrushed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt … no Pinterest proposal will ever top that!

In a perfect world my biological parents would have been healthy and capable of raising me and there is a grief I carry over the loss of what should have been … but I am also deeply grateful my grandparents stepped up and stepped in to be what my biological parents couldn’t. Not because they demanded or even expected gratitude but because they never once made me feel like a burden … they always framed my presence as a blessing to their life 🥹💞 Be that as it may, kinship caregivers are underserved and in desperate need of resources, I see you! Please feel free to introduce yourself below or even share what resources you’ve found or which ones you wish you could find! P.s. I’m glad you’re here 💞

Every year is a bit different but this year she wanted my 𝙛𝙖𝙢𝙤𝙪𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙧 homemade buttermilk biscuits for breakfast, her non negotiable dinner + dessert and to shop at a hot topic … but the closest one was an hour and a half away so we turned it into a whole 90’s experience. We left our phones behind, packed the campsnap + the printed Mapquest directions and jammed out to 90s top hits the whole way there 🤘🏼 The girls got a proper mall experience, shopping for some of their spring/summer needs, we grabbed lunch at the food court and went home exhausted … but not too exhausted for her to want her favorite yearly tradition … a dinner and dessert of her choosing. Surprisingly, not Taco Bell! In all honesty, she admittedly doesn’t want to celebrate in remembrance of what this day signifies … she just likes having an extra day to celebrate her 😅 and we’re okay with that! 📷 + 📹 @campsnapcamera

A few candid thoughts on Adoption Day Anniversaries ❤️‍🩹 We’ve had ALL the open conversations you can imagine. We’ve talked about why some want to celebrate and why others don’t. We’ve talked about the different names others call it and I lovingly requested she stop telling people it was her adoption day because that was misleading. We’ve honestly probably talked it into the ground because I’m an over communicator through and through … And at the end of the day, for honesty’s sake, she doesn’t want to celebrate in remembrance of what this day signifies … she just likes having an extra day to celebrate her 😅 and we’re okay with that!

This entire experience felt surreal. I can vividly remember the years I spent pleading with the heavens for the opportunity to know my firstborn one day but I would have never imagined our relationship could look like this. Of course it’s important for the mundane moments we traverse every day but big milestones like this are a stark reminder of why holistic adoption education is so vital. Our daughter’s life is richer because we were able to do the work, show up, and prioritize her needs and best interests. The ripple effects of those decisions have impacted so much of her life and will continue to for every moment moving forward. It’s not black and white, the responsibility didn’t just rest on the shoulders of her adoptive parents, I needed to do the work to heal and become a safe and healthy anchor in her life as well. So I did. It’s a collaborative effort … or should be, we just need the resources and supports for birthmoms to catch up with the need. It’s honestly a huge driving force behind The Resilient Retreats … I desperately want to help fill that gap.

Not my typical post these days but so many of you wanted more photos of The Lost cottage we stayed in for Abigail's wedding ... it didn't feel right to just make a travel/VRBO post so I shared some of my poetic thoughts about the symbolism between this historic cottage and my own journey along with it 🫶🏼 When I shared about our stay in Nags Head for my firstborn’s wedding last week/weekend, my inbox was flooded with questions about this cottage. I left more info on the last slide but if you’d like the opportunity to stay in this beautiful soundside cottage, comment COTTAGE in the comments and I’ll make sure you get the info! (This stay wasn’t sponsored and I don’t have anything to gain, just genuinely enamored with this rental, it’s story, and the kind souls who own it) ✌🏼❤️🌊

I didn’t specifically pray for this. I’m not even sure I believed God heard me, let alone loved me or answered prayers … I just desperately wanted the opportunity to know her one day, I didn’t realize this was even possible … but now that I’m living in it, I never want to take it for granted.

Adoption is complex and we all have a different story but this seems to be a universal truth: safe, stable, and well supported women rarely make an adoption plan or lose custody of their child(ren).

Less than a week away from my firstborn’s wedding and deep in my feels. As a very young birthmom who was coaxed into “disappearing” by the adoption case worker and my guardians, I’m hyper aware of how fortunate I am that her parents opened up the adoption and made room for her and I to build the relationship we have. I’ll continue to share my story to encourage other birthmoms to heal and hold fast to hope … and I’ll show up authentically and vulnerably to humanize women like me, birthmoms, because we often still carry the weight of shame and unfair stereotypes. I’ll continue to educate from a lifetime of lived experience because if adoption is going to be part of the story, we need to do it well ❤️‍🩹

In truth, I wasn’t pursued, I was groomed … but I didn’t know that at the time, I just knew that I liked the attention. It didn’t feel forceful or scary, it felt like affection and concern … it felt like love. To some, this feels like new news or maybe even click bait because of current events … but the truth is, I’ve been seeped in the knowledge of this depravity for a long time because I lived it and hold the stories of others who know this hell too. So what is grooming? It’s the act of befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child’s inhibitions with the objective of s e x u a l a b u s e. A groomed child often feels more responsible for the abuse they endure because that is the goal of grooming. It isn’t a forceful taking, it’s manipulating consent, it makes you question your right to feel wronged, it’s a mind game. As an adult survivor trying to heal, it can feel isolating. “But I didn’t say ‘no’ or ‘stop’. He felt safe. He promised. I was willing … So is my trauma even valid?” It is. Just talking about it isn’t enough, we need to be alert and involved. Here are a few red flags to look for in your child: 🚩Secrecy about how they are spending their time (online or in person) 🚩Doesn’t want to talk about what they’ve been doing 🚩Having an older boyfriend or girlfriend 🚩Having money or new things they can’t or won’t explain (clothes, phone, jewelry etc.) 🚩Underage drinking and/or drug abuse 🚩Spending more time away from home or going missing for periods of time 🚩Becoming withdrawn or distracted 🚩Wanting to spend all their time alone in their room 🚩Obsession with certain place or person 🚩Stops telling you about their day or asking for advice Don’t just watch your child’s behavior, pay attention to the adults in their life too. As hard as it is to stomach, so many are victimized by very close friends and family … in fact, approximately 90% of kids know their abuser well. I’m close the character limit but this is important so I’ll share some of the signs and behaviors of unsafe adults in the comments:

POV: your adoption case worker and abusive caregivers intentionally lead you to believe you legally can’t see your daughter again unless she finds you at eighteen … but her parents reached out nine years post placement to open the adoption and facilitate reunion. You spend the rest of your life nurturing that relationship and thanking God for answering your most consistent prayer.

Not everyone wants the newest trending thing … some of us want the 5 gallon glass water jug in the wooden crate we’ve been eyeing at the local antique mall for months. But these are the kinds of things we can only know about someone if we take the time to listen … and today was the kind of day that made me feel seen, known, and loved 🥹 I turned 38 today. I intended to do so silently, without fanfare or celebration. Aging doesn’t bother me, it’s truly a privilege and one that I’m grateful for but for the first time in my life, I just didn’t feel like celebrating … indifference feels more accurate than annoyance or aversion. I decided to use it as an excuse to fundraise for the nonprofit I co-founded (@the.ampersand.initiative | 3,800 for my 38th year), and just go about my day … I wasn’t expecting my blue collar husband (who works 60-70 hour weeks) to take the day off to spend it with me. I wasn’t expecting to sleep in while he walked the dog or to sit on the couch while he made me a cup of cuppa and an omelette. I wasn’t expecting that he would have scoured over the best trails in the area to find one that Helene hadn’t shut down because he knows how much I love to hike and I for sure wasn’t expecting him to remember the 5 gallon glass jug from the antique mall that I told him about one day between sets of tricep pull downs. I wasn’t expecting my daughter to spend so much of her paycheck on a set of antique brass and mother of pearl candle stick holders or my youngest to find a vintage framed botanical print and think of me. I wasn’t expecting a set of books from my best friend, one of which is already highlighted, dog-earred and notated. I wasn’t expecting to be tagged in so many moments and memories of friends celebrating my life today. I wasn’t expecting to feel so incredibly seen today but perhaps God knew just how much my soul needed this outpouring of intentional love in the midst of a hard season. Grateful to be surrounded by folks willing to relight my candle when it starts to burn out. 🕯️

BTS @ Dwell 2026 | still wild to believe that this is my life. 𝘌𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘺?! Grateful for every opportunity to use my lived experience and continued education to inspire, encourage, and educate others … even cooler that I get to do it alongside my closest friend 💞 I walked into this conference exhausted, left exhausted and still have nothing but love for this weekend. The intention of the staff, the opportunities and interactions with attendees, the food, the speakers, the vibes … it was such a needed experience to help remind me of why I do what I do 🥲 Because some folks hesitantly ask, I figured I’d put it here: I’m beyond stoked for you to pass my name along to any organizations or events you feel like my voice would be a benefit to!

I’m the age of my youngest daughter in this photo, thirteen, which is also the age I was when the grooming first started. Granted, I had experienced a lot of things my youngest hasn’t but watching her exist as a thirteen year old makes me realize how young I truly was. I thought I was so grown, so wise, so mature … I was just exposed and hurting and vulnerable and unfortunately that’s a glowing red flag for predators. Here’s a few non negotiables in our house because of my lived experience and intimate understanding of grooming: 🚩 no sleepovers (not even with family—iykyk) 🚩 phones are not private spaces … we will go through them. If you need privacy, write in your journal 📓✍🏼 🚩 at 13, you don’t need a private phone call either. 🚩 iPads/computers are used in communal spaces or with open doors and also subject to being checked 🚩 No secrets and permission to tell adults no. 🚩 Consent and autonomy from a young age which means kids are allowed to say they don’t want a hug … even if it’s a beloved grandparent. If you have a child or know someone who does, save and share this list. It’s not about being fearful, just aware. ❤️‍🩹 I’ve been asked to write some kids books on this subject but truthfully, someone else has already done it and done it well! Let me know if you need the link.

Photo dump: This was the last time I’ll see Abigail, my firstborn, before her wedding next month 🥲💞 My closest friend @leahoutten (and her daughter who happens to be Taylan’s closest friend) joined us for the bridal shower weekend (side note: what a privilege to have another birthmom on standby to process all the feelings.) We made the most of our short trip in spite of the bizarre weather … which included high winds, single digit temps, and even some snow. We visited the Roanoke Aquarium which houses the S.T.A.R. sea turtle rescue center, hosted a live webinar about the value of sibling relationships that have been separated by adoption alongside our first and second born daughters, did a little art, some beach combing (+ litter pick up), and browsed our favorite local shops. I even captured a bucket list moment (2nd to last slide/video) and felt a bit of relief from the depression I’ve been experiencing. You’ll never convince me that Nature Therapy & Blue Space Theory isn’t real … honestly, I think a beachfront home might be the cure I need. I could be wrong but I’m willing to try. ✌🏼😜🌊. To be honest, I debated even mentioning the depression again but I think it’s valuable to see that even if life feels extra hard or overwhelming we can still show up to it. Grief & gratitude, heavy & hopeful, hurting & healing … so often we feel like we can only experience one of these things at a time but we can hold space for both … and I think I’m able to do that because I spent a lot of time creating good habits when I felt better. I know to move my body, lift weights, get outside, eat nourishing foods, drink lots of water, sit in community etc etc etc and 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 these dark clouds will pass. Grateful for this life I’ve been given … and hopeful that my willingness to overshare helps someone else feel seen and encouraged to hold fast to hope and continue to show up and seek joy during their own heavy seasons ❤️‍🩹

As a child growing up in kinship care I heard the phase, “your mom didn’t want you” more times than I can count … and it became my biggest fear after placing my daughter for adoption … that she would grow up hearing the same phrase, never knowing I desperately wanted to parent her but wasn’t given the option. Fast forward ⏩ some years later after her parents opened the adoption and we were having some heart to hearts, I shared my experience and this fear but her response brought me to tears. “My parents never said anything like that! They always told me you loved me so much but were too young to take care of me so you chose them to.” 😭❤️‍🩹 While I grew up hearing I wasn’t wanted by my biological mother, she grew up hearing how much hers loved her. Their words undoubtedly laid the foundation for the relationship we’ve been able to build over the last thirteen years. I’m co-hosting a LIVE webinar with a good friend and fellow birthmom this Sunday (2/22 @ 3:00 PM EST) on the value of prioritizing sibling relationships in adoption. Both our firstborn daughters we placed and our second born that we parent will be joining us to share from their lives experience. We still have space so if you want to join comment 𝐬𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐭 and we’ll make sure you get the link! 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨: Tap the ❤️ if you saw this post. Save it or share it if it was helpful. Leave a comment if you want to build community here, And to see more education and advocacy from my lifetime of lived experience as a child raised in kinship care, birthmom in reunion and kinship adoptive mom, remember to follow! So glad you’re here 🫶🏼

I’ve been mulling over how to share this all day … desperate to write in a way that will draw attention and create conversation because as a birthmom parenting subsequent children, kinship adoptive mom, educator within this community and friend to the mama navigating this I’m both heartbroken and furious. We have to do better 💔

The algorithm is not gonna like tonight’s post … too many trigger words and truth 👀 At this point, most of us have seen something about the files but psychologically don’t know what to do about that level of depravity. So start in your homes and community. Be intentional in protecting the vulnerable within your reach. They need you more than the internet needs your opinions and outrage. Sometimes I wish I could go back to innocence & ignorance but that’s not how we heal the world 💔❤️‍🩹

I did end up running away a year later, at seventeen. I emancipated myself, became my own guardian, and finished high school while working 40-50 hours a week at Taco Bell to pay my bills. 🌮🔔 I’ve still not met my biological mother, and that’s how I prefer it. Dad spent his entire life running from his demons 💔❤️‍🩹 RIP The daughter I placed for adoption at 15 because I didn’t have the support to parent, we reunited when she was nine. I’m so fortunate to have had the opportunity to cultivate a beautiful relationship over the past thirteen years. Heading to her bridal shower later this month 🥲💞 Clearly, there’s more to my story but here’s a quick takeaway: it’s not the trauma that strengthens us, it was the resilience we build on our way out that enables us to survive and thrive. We can’t choose most of the circumstances we’re handed and so often we experience trauma that isn’t any fault of our own … but healing is our responsibility. Our quality of life depends on it ❤️‍🩹

I just had to add to the noise … please enjoy my candid thoughts 💭

I didn’t set out to become an advocate or educator for the birthmom community … it just kind of happened. Over the years I’ve sat with women eager to share their stories too and others who are too afraid to share their grief with their closest friends, let alone a crowd … but I hear the same thing from both sides … “I felt so alone in this, thank you for using your voice for this community.” 🥲 I hold a lot of stories and my heart feels heavy but we still have a lot of work to do so I’ll keep showing up with my work boots on 💔❤️‍🩹 and if you ask me what you can do to help, I’m gonna hand you a shovel.

I know this is so much longer than most folks on Instagram care to read … and it’s incredibly raw and vulnerable but a close friend encouraged me to just show up authentically and let my community surround me … so here I am ❤️‍🩹

“Why does she call you mom?” “Why didn’t you just let her stay in guardianship?” “Why would you adopt your sister?” All questions I’ve been asked and the short answer is … because permanency matters. Stability matters. Being someone’s daughter matters. This isn’t speculation or ‘savior’ mentality … it’s a lifetime of firsthand experience and secondhand knowledge. I understand the emotional impact of being transferable, of being the bait for manipulation, and the burden, even if it’s never said out loud. I know the sting of abandonment and the loss of never having someone to call mom … a primal need that never truly goes away. And I knew that she deserved better. Kinship caregivers desperately need more resources and education, particularly from professionals who have lived experience and can speak into the intricacies of these unique relationships. I’ve lead several workshops and given a handful of keynotes focused on my experience within kinship care but am hoping to cultivate a more accessible resource this year, because I genuinely understand the need and want to help meet it. If you’re a kinship caregiver, kinship adoptive parent, or professional working with kinship families, what resources, workshops, or courses do you think are most needed?

Sharing my thought but would love to hear yours. Is “grief” an absurd concept to teach a child? Should a children’s book defining adoption terms go light on words related to birth family considering some may have no contact? Am I the problem or is it our inability to sit with discomfort? Anyway, if you already own it, an honest review would be incredible to help balance out reviews like this and if you need the book, just ask and I’ll make sure to point you in the right direction 🫶🏼

A few thoughts on today’s long overdue art session ❤️‍🩹

I actually hear that first sentiment quite a lot considering I’ve built a community and a career around sharing my stories … but truthfully, it doesn’t feel brave … it feels natural and authentic … and perhaps it’s supposed to because the world needs storytellers … for entertainment, education, preservation and inspiration. We need folks that are willing to speak the truth, even when their voice shakes. Either you can relate or someone immediately popped into your head and you should send this post their way because it’s nice to feel seen. 🫶🏼

This is the most thoughtful gift my firstborn has ever given me! The time and intention that went into curating a photo album full of dozens of moments from her childhood that I missed isn’t lost on me … but she didn’t stop there … she wrote names and descriptions on the back of nearly every photo too 😭 I’ll never be able to gain back what I lost through adoption … but I’ll also never take for granted the opportunity I’ve been given to build this beautiful relationship moving forward. Grief & gratitude ❤️‍🩹💐

A visual reminder that this life is worth showing up for, it’s okay to be silly, in fact, it’s important that you are, and authenticity is infinitely better than polished perfection. I feel pretty well aquatinted with the old adage, “life isn’t always easy or fair” ... I learned it from a young age, from absent and addicted parents, from caregivers who weren’t safe, and adults willing to take advantage of vulnerability. I learned it through the hardship of teen pregnancy and the gut wrenching adoption plan that followed … I learned it through ab_se, neglect, instability, poverty, and countless other challenges. It’s no secret (and probably not surprising) that I’ve suffered from depression over the years, and while I feel like I’m in a pretty good place right now, in all of those moments I’ve intentionally held space for and sought out laughter, wonder, and joy … and sometimes I think it helped save my life. If you make it to the last slide, I shared something I wrote about the coexistence of suffering and joy ❤️‍🩹

For all the adoptive parents that ask me for ideas of things to gift a birthmom … add salt dough ornaments to your list for next year! We had to wait until New Year’s eve to celebrate with my firstborn and her fiancé this year (and then spent a week together and a week recovering) so I’m late to sharing but I love how much fun we’re able to have together! I was honestly torn between laughing over the hilarity or crying over the sentiment attached to having something like this but since she’s twenty-two and wears the same size shoe as me, laughing felt most appropriate 😂 📹: @campsnapcamera

As a scared 14 year old navigating pregnancy and making an adoption plan, no one taught me how to be a birthmom, what to expect or how to prepare … in fact, I was intentionally led to believe that I wouldn’t be allowed to ever see my firstborn unless she chose to find me once she turned 18 … so I moved 600 miles away … but her parents reached out and opened the adoption when she was nine 🥲❤️‍🩹 After reunification, visits became my favorite time of year … but most of them only happened because of the generosity of friends who saw our struggle and wanted to help or because we were willing to go into debt to make them happen … but no one is talking about that. When you’re barely living paycheck to paycheck vacations aren’t a thing … but every vacation hour, extra dollar or credit card balance was used to ensure we never missed a visit. After nearly 14 years in reunion, it’s very recently not been a struggle to make visits happen without holding our breath and that privilege isn’t lost on me. 💛

For a long time I couldn’t put my finger on it … why Christmas used to feel so … different … so special? Was it because I had the privilege of growing up in the 90s? Or because I was being raised by my grandparents (in kinship care)? Maybe it was the traditions we kept, each year as predictable as the last? No, but the answer finally dawned on me this year. Christmas always felt so special because the adults in my life made it so. I’ll never feel that same magic again but I get to (hopefully) create it for my kids 😮‍💨🥹❤️ We actually did this a few weeks ago but I hadn’t counted on getting in a wreck and sustaining a mild concussion shortly afterwards. I’ve drastically limited my screen time but wanted to share this fun movie night idea before the season ends. I would love to hear some of your favorite Christmas traditions so that maybe we can try something new to us next year too!

Remember when Instagram was a digital photo album for every imperfect, blurry moment? When no one knew what an aesthetic was so these squares weren’t curated but they were real. Sometimes I miss that … Anywho, here’s a photo dump from our week in Columbia, SC for @flourishingfamiliessc Meet the Need conference, my last event of the year and the first for @the.ampersand.initiative, the new nonprofit I cofounded with my closest friend, @leahoutten I was able to bring a plus one and am so grateful my little cousin Morgan accepted the invitation! She was a huge help and fun addition to our chaos! We stayed up way too late, learned from some incredible educators, listened to lived experience, dressed up for a fancy dinner, cheered on Leah as she accepted the Caregiver award of 2025 (so well deserved), played a set of street drums, listened to a random metal band outside of an art museum (as one does), led a workshop, introduced our merch (huge hit), laughed until we cried, cried until we laughed and of course the usual tomfoolery and general shenanigans. What a life 🥹💞

Before you read any further, tap reshare to help me spread the word! 🔄 It’s one of the easiest (and freest) ways to broaden my reach, raise awareness, and create opportunities! Thank you for that, for sharing, for supporting , for being here 🫶🏼 asking for help is hard but I can’t build resources on hopes and dreams. Giving Tuesday felt like the perfect opportunity to remind you of the need but even without a day set aside for philanthropy, to personally witness the healing that has taken place at the last two retreats is enough to make me swallow my pride and continue to show up with transparency, open hands, and endless gratitude. If you want to help ensure the 2026 Birthmoms ONLY retreat is a success, comment GIVE for a link to our donations page!

If I’m being honest, there are days I’ve wanted to give up … clear the socials, let my phone sink to the bottom of the ocean (not really bc I don’t intentionally litter) and live a quieter life but I can’t. I mean … I could but my soul would be restless considering this is more of a calling than a career or hobby or fleeting passion. At least that’s how it’s felt every time I’ve ever tried to set it down. And in case I haven’t said it enough, I’m grateful for you … we’re grateful for you … and by ‘we’ I mean the thousands of lives being impacted because you continue to help me carry the weight of the mission. Some of y’all don’t know how much your messages have inspired me during moments of doubt, how much your tangible and financial support has created opportunities for growth and healing in the lives of people you will never meet, or how much you engaging and sharing content has allowed our little community to grow. ‘Thank you’ feels insufficient but please know it comes from the depths of my heart … tell us what you’re grateful for in the comments!

What a gift to be living a life I almost believed I didn’t deserve … thankful for hope, healing, and redemption 🥲💞

I’ve encountered a lot of kindness and compassion in response to sharing the relationship I’ve built with my firstborn after placing her for adoption when I was barely fifteen years old … but as a birthmom and educator, I’ve also encountered a lot of strong opinions seeped in ignorance and anger. The truth is, these things are complex and nuanced but the majority of adult adoptees will tell you that they have benefited from a healthy relationship with birth family OR wish they could have. And because this matters too … know that the big picture extends far beyond the triad. Open adoption allows siblings to build bonds and create memories, like these two just did in our recent girls trip to New York City. I’m not saying it’s always easy or comfortable but it is important and as a kinship adoptive mom I can’t emphasize enough that it is our responsibility to steward this well. If you need resources to help explain adoption to young kiddos, books are a great place to start and I happen to have published five of them, including The ABCs of Adoption. Comment 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 and I’ll make sure you get a link … but be patient because I don’t have automated services, I do it manually. I also cofounded a nonprofit @the.ampersand.initiative that serves the adoption, foster, and kinship communities! We do really epic retreats and even host monthly LIVE events … sometimes my firstborn @abigailembraced hops on to share her perspective too! We’re in the throes of fundraising and learning how to build a nonprofit from the ground up but so excited to see our big dreams become a reality! Basically, I share and create lots of great resources so if you’re new here I hope you’ll stay a while ♥

When I share about kinship adoption I’m often met with, “That’s weird! You’re her sister and should have just kept custody, you didn’t have to adopt her.” 🫠 Welp, this conversation was a poignant reminder of why we chose to finalize her adoption instead of allowing her to remain in guardianship, as I had. Kids deserve permanency and belonging, two feelings that are seldom felt through temporary guardianship. I’m not the only child of kinship or foster care to express that sentiment, it seems to be a common experience, but I didn’t want it to be hers ♥

Our adoption was only semi-open for the first nine years but once her parents asked to open it up a bit more we had the opportunity to really cultivate and deepen our relationship, something Abigail will tell you was a great benefit to her … and undoubtedly one of my greatest blessings. While I’ve been educating and advocating for nearly five years now, this clip is from the first workshop @abigailembraced and I were able to do together earlier this month! A few things she spoke on needing, as an adoptee were: 1. Age appropriate honesty. Clinically speaking, a child should know their full story by age twelve. 2. Resources & opportunities. i.e. books, therapy, adoptee meet ups etc. 3. Unbiased support. “It’s essential to never make adoptees ‘choose a side’ or feel persuaded to” 4. Consistent effort. We can’t drop the ball when things start to feel complicated or uncomfortable. 5. Respect of boundaries. Reunion is complex and it’s the adults responsibility to show up in a healthy capacity. This was a two hour workshop so we covered a lot of ground and then had the privilege of teaching a second on navigating the holidays post adoption, just last night! If you’re new here, hi 👋🏼 I’m Raquel … I grew up in kinship care, became an expectant mom at 14 and a birthmom just a few months after my 15th birthday when I placed my daughter for adoption. At 24 I became a kinship caregiver for my biological half sister, reunited with my firstborn that same year, and a kinship adoptive mom five years later. I talk a lot about adoption, foster, and kinship care from a lens of lived experience and continued education and recently cofounded a nonprofit which we named @the.ampersand.initiative because life is both hard & beautiful and we’re holding space for both!

I hold a lot of heavy stories, it comes with the job … but this one feels a little heavier since I personally know the sweet birthmom it’s happening to. She’s fun and smart and kind and strong. She’s a wife and a mother parenting young kids who will also grieve this lost connection with their big brother. Her raw and poignant words will stay with me for a while … “hope for the best but prepare for the worst.” Though I already know you can never really prepare for the grief that accompanies adoption, and certainly not the unforeseen, heartbreaking circumstances like this. We still have so much work to do, friends … so much work. If you want a spot at the workshop, let me know. If you have resources I can pass on to this mama drop them in the comments or message me … I’m at a loss but desperate to help. 💔❤️‍🩹

2023 wasn’t the first year I hung a stocking for my firstborn but it was the first year I put stuff in it 🥹 We were still full time nomads, living in a camper that was parked near the Oconaluftee River on the Cherokee reservation in North Carolina. I don’t remember whose idea it was, to spend a Christmas together, but we were all excited! Over the years, as our relationship has grown, our traditions have shifted to reflect the added depth. Unfortunately, resources don’t always match desire so we’ve jumped at every opportunity while trying to keep realistic expectations for what we are actually capable of … though, if I’m being honest, sometimes I feel like I’d sell one of my extra body parts (𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘺) for a few extra days together 🥲❤️‍🩹 Abigail (𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘯) and I want to help you cultivate an intentional rhythm and fond memories in your own homes as you navigate the holidays this year! My bestie, and fellow birthmom @leahoutten will be joining us with her firstborn @keirichu next Tuesday @ 7:00 PM EST through our shared nonprofit, @the.ampersand.initiative to share our personal experiences, tradition and gift ideas, things that worked, things that didn’t and even a live Q&A! If you can’t make it, no worries, sign up and we’ll send you the recording afterwards! If you’re a foster or adoptive parent or a birthparent looking for ideas and encouragement, you will not want to miss this event! Comment save me a seat for a 🔗 to the tickets!

I’m a bit sappy and super intentional when it comes to gift giving. As a birthmom, I’ve always obsessed over finding the ✨perfect✨ gift … I mean, how else can I express my love when I’m not there?! The grief and loss we experience through adoption is always present but it seems to feel a little more raw around birthdays and holidays … the distance, a bit more palpable and while adoption isn’t a taboo subject anymore (and never should have been) I’m taking the doors off the hinges and creating a lot more open conversations to help others navigate these shared experiences. Humans thrive in community, which is why we created 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐑𝐨𝐨𝐦 and are saving you a seat if you want it ♥

The one where we explore New York City 🏙️ A little backstory: Abigail (my firstborn) and I were hired to speak at an adoption conference downtown. Since Taylan (my oldest that I parent) had always dreamed of visiting New York too (𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘪𝘨 𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘨 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘐’𝘮 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰) we decided to extend our stay by a couple of days and make it a girls trip. Halfway into planning we invited my closest friend and fellow birthmom, @leahoutten to join us and just a few weeks before the conference they decided to make it fully virtual. Since our flights + hotel were already booked and non refundable, we hopped on the plane and headed to the city for our girls trip! I’m a ‘𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘢 𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭’ kinda girl and was honestly prepared to just endure this NYC adventure with a brave face for my girls sake because it was such a bucket list trip for them but we genuinely had the best time! The goodbyes never get easier but I’m so grateful for every opportunity to create more memories together. 🥲🥰 And in the name of open adoption, I want to also take this opportunity to add how grateful I am for Abigail’s mom, who took our list of must see places and turned it into the most efficient itinerary. We walked dang near everywhere (about 10 miles each day) and was able to fit everything in plus a dozen or more side quests because of her help. Y’all, I’m living in the prayers I’ve prayed 🥲💖

I took photography as an elective my freshman year, the year I was fourteen and pregnant with Abigail … I honestly didn’t want to but it was one of my only options since I was a late transfer. The class (and the teacher) ended up being a lifeline during one of the hardest seasons of my life. I was so young but desperately wanted to parent my daughter. Unfortunately, without the necessary safety or support to provide a healthy and stable life for her, I made an adoption plan, placed her in her parents arms a few months after my 15th birthday, and left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. School, for the most part, was a reprieve. I stayed in that photography class throughout sophomore and junior year but eventually had to drop it halfway into my senior year in order to survive … I had ran away from my abusive caregivers the summer before, legally emancipated myself and needed to be able to work more hours to pay the bills … my creative outlet had to go on the back burner. I graduated, fell in love, got engaged, got married, started a family, started a photography business and never stopped praying that one day my firstborn daughter would want to know me. Nine years after placing her for adoption, her parents reached out through the adoption agency and asked if we could plan a visit 🥹 A few years into reunion I offered to take their family photos, a few years after that they hired me take her prom photos, and a few years after that she picked up a camera and started taking photos for me! If you’re new here, hi, I’m Raquel! Photography is just a fun hobby for me these days. I’m most passionate about the education I offer from a lifetime of lived experience as a former child of kinship care, birthmom in reunion, and kinship adoptive mom. For more resources and programs you can check out the nonprofit I cofounded with my friend, and fellow birthmom, @leahoutten … we named it @the.ampersand.initiative because life is both hard & beautiful so we’re intentionally holding space for both. P.s. thank you for the photos @abigailpaigephoto 📸 🥰

Candid thoughts & scenes from October 🍂

I’m not sure if it was the years of s_xual ab_se, mental ab_se, becoming pregnant at fourteen, ab_sive caregivers or just the combination of hard circumstances that created the perfect storm but I was convinced I wasn’t the type of girl that deserved a good guy ... in fact, I turned this one down a year before I said yes and don’t even remember it but he does. Most of us are told a lot of things about who we are and what we deserve ... some spent their adolescence surrounded by love and support, being built up and encouraged while others were intentionally torn down. After years of healing and growth I began building a community around adoption, foster, and kinship education. The anonymity of social media has the ability to bring out the worst in humanity and l’ve found myself on the receiving end of that too many times to count. Countless strangers have come up with plenty of creative and colorful ways to tell me who I am and what I do and don’t deserve ... but here’s what I’ve learned: My worth, 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩, doesn’t hinge on what we’ve done, what we’ve survived, the things done to us, the moments that broke us, the moments that tried or the scars left behind. 𝙒𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙡, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨.

Truth is non negotiable. Period. And yet, I genuinely believe 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 parents who have chose to delay or withhold adoption information have done it because they believed it was in their child(ren)s best interest. Now we know, without a shadow of a doubt, through both lived experience and professionals, this approach has done more harm than good. I’d love for you to share your own stories in the comments. Tips for making this a natural conversation in your home, favorite adoption, foster, or kinship care books for kids, funny responses, hard questions you’ve had to navigate or even your own questions for mamas who may have already had to navigate the season you’re currently walking through.

I’m not crying, you’re crying 😭😭😭 In this new era of post adoption education we’ve finally started to highlight the benefits of preserving relationships with biological parents but the benefits don’t end there … sibling relationships are valuable too, though often overlooked. In 𝘉𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘈𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 - 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘙𝘌𝘈𝘓 𝘓𝘐𝘍𝘌 𝘚𝘌𝘘𝘜𝘌𝘓 𝘛𝘖 𝘉𝘌𝘍𝘖𝘙𝘌 𝘞𝘌 𝘞𝘌𝘙𝘌 𝘠𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘚, many elder adoptees emotionally shared how happy they were to get in touch with (and form relationships with) long lost biological siblings after finding them later in life. Many also shared the grief they felt for not having the opportunity to know them sooner. Personally, only one of my sibling relationships was preserved through kinship care while several others were severed pretty early on. As a birthmom, my firstborn was way more excited to meet her siblings than me when we reunited nine years post placement … and it was beautiful to watch. As a kinship adoptive mom … I can only open the door, I can’t force anyone to walk through it. As an educator, I’ll never compromise honesty for the sake of comfort but we’ll continue to discuss these complex things through a lens of empathy and grace. If you’re looking for a good children’s book to help explain adoption to children, I published a few. If you comment 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬, I’ll make sure you get a link. If you’re interested in more adoption, foster, or kinship care content, stick around 🫶🏼

Healing out loud because I nearly drowned in silence ❤️‍🩹🌊 What an absolute honor to hold space here and be a trusted voice within the adoption, foster, and kinship community. Creating resources, like The Kitchen Table, is an attempt to cultivate the community and support I would have benefited from. Just say, “save me a seat” and we’ll make sure you get the invite 💌

Without anyone to compare our journey to, I’m not sure I could have told you how I needed to be loved within this relationship until I experienced it firsthand, but twenty-two years post placement - thirteen in reunion, these are a few things I’ve come to recognize were a valuable part of our open adoption relationship.

What other phrases do we need to retire or replace within the adoption, foster, and kinship communities? I’m not sure if this one actually impacted my view of self growing up, I think my grandparents did a great job of making me feel loved and wanted throughout childhood … and simultaneously I would never repeat this phrase to my youngest daughter who we adopted after nearly 5 years in kinship care. The 80s and 90s were a different time and we were for sure built different and yet I think it’s okay to sand the edges of some of our upbringing … thoughts?

This trend has me in my feels … maybe because most of the young moms posting it were able to parent the babies they’re wishing for a do-over with. Both in person and online, I’m typically perceived one of two ways … as a piece of trash for “giving my daughter away” or a saint for “giving her a better life” by making an adoption plan. Can I be honest? Neither are true. At fourteen/fifteen without a safe home or stable support system, I was barely surviving so yeah, my “𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵” wasn’t me and yet if I were actually given a choice, I know I would have chose to parent despite it. There’s this common myth that most birthmothers are young, careless teens but studies show the average age of a birthmother is mid-twenties and 70% of teen pregnancies are fathered by adult men … but no one wants to talk about that. Regardless of age or reason, there is a common thread: safe, stable, and well supported women rarely make adoption plans or lose custody of their children. It took decades of intention but at thirty-seven, I’m the kind of person younger me needed. I’m even fortunate enough to have built a beautiful relationship with my firstborn daughter, that’s her in the video. So while I couldn’t raise her, I’m grateful to be a safe and stable adult she can lean on and learn from now. I guess I didn’t get a do-over but I got a second chance 🥲 And I’m here, in your feed because I use my lived experience to both educate and encourage others while building resources (like The Resilient Retreats and @the.ampersand.initiative) to pour into the adoption, foster, and kinship communities. Whether you’ve been here a while or are a new face, I’m so glad you’re here. 💞

Right now, most of what I have to offer is my words. Storytelling is how I connect, offer relatability, share a new perspective and inspire change. As @leahoutten and I continue to build @the.ampersand.initiative we will eventually have more tangible resources for those impacted by adoption, foster, and kinship care with an emphasis on birthmother support but until then, I hope you continue to find something of value woven throughout these stories I share with you … including the books. 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝘿𝙤𝙚𝙨 𝘼𝙙𝙤𝙥𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙄𝙢𝙥𝙖𝙘𝙩 𝙎𝙞𝙗𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 was a hard book to write (and a hard book for @cordiallytaylan to illustrate). It’s full of honest emotion but written in an age appropriate way to connect with the kids who are processing why they have a sibling that can’t live with them because of adoption. Anyways, there’s so much more I want to say but I’ll save it for another time. If you have any questions are thoughts about parenting post placement, treat the comment section like a group chat, let’s unpack it and build community here.